Best of Cake Life

I make a lot of cakes. Usually, in cake-making, I follow my own advice and just google something along these lines:

  1. Pastel cake but not gender reveal!!!
  2. How do I make a peppermint chocolate cake
  3. Cute fancy layer cakes
  4. yumm????

Basically, I treat google like my best friend and expect it to know what I’m thinking at all times.  Unfortunately, when you google these things, you get a lot of links to those adorable blogs I talked about last week.  I say unfortunately because frankly, the recipe quality can really vary.  Sometimes you get a really good-looking cake that tastes fantastic, other times you feed your in-laws a brick of blue shit.  It’s not all same-same-same out here, okay?

So here I am.  Not just giving you shitty recipes and pretending I made them up (yo, I super did not do that), but REVIEWING cake recipes for easiness, tastiness, and most importantly – instagramminess (I don’t play around with my priorities).

Today’s cake was incredibly easy to make.  Sometimes these cakes involve like, singing softly to egg whites while whisking them for fourteen hours.  No.  I hate that shit.  (Honestly, if a recipe involves egg whites rather that whole eggs, I back out immediately.  Yolks bring the flavour, my friends.)  This is a ‘dump every ingredient in a bowl and bake’ recipe.  It is good, it is kind, and your family/friends/coworkers/whoever you get cakey with will love it, and you.

So, this is a Martha Stewart recipe.  You can go read the American version there, or you can read it here, where I’ve already done the work of Canadianizing the ingredients.  I will be slightly funnier and more sensible but really, it’s pretty much a delicious wash.

Firstly, you need to get all of the following shit (the “Shit”) together:

  1. 3 cups of cake or white flour.  (My girl Martha says self-rising, which isn’t widely available in Canada.  Ignore her.)
  2. 4 tsps of baking powder.
  3. 1 tsp of salt.
  4. 2 cups of granulated sugar (you can use brown or white – whatever you have.)
  5. 3/4 cup liquid fatty stuff (I usually just melt butter for this, because butter tastes 100x better than vegetable oil, but you do you).
  6. 1/2 cup chopped pecans (you can buy them pre-crumbled, and they’re cheaper than the whole ones)
  7. 2 very ripe bananas
  8. 1 tsp pure vanilla (get the real stuff)
  9. 1 can of crushed pineapple
  10. 4 large eggs, beaten (I honestly never take note of how large my eggs are, which is a funny sentence.  Really though – if your eggs are really tiny, maybe kick it up to five – but really you’re gonna be fine either way.)
  11. 1 tsp of cinnamon (girl YES)

Here is the recipe:  get the Shit together.  Put the Shit in a big bowl and mix it all up.  Put it in some buttered circular pans (be sensible – it’s about 3×8″ circular pans, but pick the pan of your choosing and fill it up to about an inch of batter).  Bake in an oven pre-heated to 325f for 25 minutes.  Stick a fork into the centre.  If it comes out clean, that sweet lil child is done.  If not, continue baking and check at two or three minute intervals. Cool on a wire rack.

ICING, friends.  This is the critical part: wait until your frickin’ cake is completely cool.  Completely, totally, not even warm at all.  If you are impatient, your icing will just melt off, look dumb, and you will be so, so sad.

Mix together 500 grams of icing sugar (1/2 bag, usually), 1 package of room temperature cream cheese (the normal size package – usually 250 grams), 6 tablespoons of SALTED butter (which is like, the first two centimetres off your 454 gram block of butter), a splish splash of vanilla, and a little splish splash of milk or cream (whatever you have in the fridge for your coffee).  Use a hand blender.  Blend it up.  It will make icing, and you will be blissfully happy.

I suspect you can ice a cake.  You can.  I believe in you.  Your layer cake will be cuter if you slice each layer to be even (ie – cut the curved muffin top down to flatness), but I can never bear to waste cake.  Use a nice cake stand to elevate the instagram factor, sprinkle some cinnamon and some pecans on top, and you have yourself a cake that is (a) cute as hell (b) tasty as hell (c) easy as hell.  A winner, by my books.

Go forth and bake, my friends


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